Q's On First?
by GrandEclectus
Summary: It was a boring day for the crew of Voyager until... A VERY silly double parody. If you like fluffy and light Voyager fics, than this is for you! Thanks for R&R. You folks are great!
1. Q's On First

Title: Q's on First?

Fandom: Star Trek: Voyager

Rating/Genre: G Humor, Romance, COMPLETE Silliness, a bit of J/C

In Progress: March 2007

Disclaimers: Voyager and its characters belong to Paramount and there is a parody of an MGM property in here too.

Archive: Yes, but please let me know so you can get the latest version.

**Q's on First?**

Captain Kathryn Janeway sat on her Bridge, vigilant as always. Commander Chakotay was punching information into his monitor, his brow furrowed with concentration.

Janeway had checked status five minutes ago and then about 17.6 minutes before that.

"No change, Captain. All is well." Tuvok stated. Ensign Kim had reported before Tuvok and it was Tom who answered before Kim. Cute. They were taking turns.

Chakotay asked for reports of any anomalous readings, progress of repairs and maintenance, and status of sickbay.

"None."

"Proceeding on schedule."

"Neelix to bridge," the cook interrupted.

"Go ahead." Chakotay said.

"I was wondering if you think the crew would prefer Q'utharian Dumplings or Dan'tar Lothoriacas for dinner."

"Chef's discretion," said Janeway, shaking her head with bemusement.

"You see, I can only make one dish or the other, because they each take a great amount of attention and fuss..."

"Neelix!" Chakotay broke in. "I'm sure the crew will enjoy anything you prepare," he lied, which seemed to satisfy the sycophantic Talaxian.

"Sickbay report, Captain," relayed Tuvok.

"Go ahead," Janeway sighed.

"Naomi Wildman has been treated for minor scrapes and bruises to both knees and her left hand from roller-skating in the corridors. She was released at Oh-Fourteen-Hundred," Tuvok stated.

Janeway half smiled at the last report. Life on Voyager should always be this uneventful, with everyone safe and sound, save a few requisite childhood bumps.

"Captain, I recommend that we prohibit Naomi's use of skates outside of the holodeck." Chakotay suggested.

Janeway considered for a moment. My how he had changed! He had become such a stick in the mud.

"I don't think that will be necessary Commander," she smiled.

"Then perhaps she should be more closely supervised."

"Commander weren't you ever young?" she prodded. "A single child on a starship with no contact with home? She must feel very confined. Somehow we all survived our childhood bang-ups, didn't we?"

"I…" he ventured. " As you wish, Captain," he quickly acquiesced, obviously feeling a bit foolish.

One of Tuvok's eyebrows rose. Janeway supposed even Vulcans get bored on some level and the present "command discussion" was about as exciting as it had been in weeks.

"Sorry, Commander. I guess all this peace and qui…."

With a resounding roar, the Voyager lurched tossing the crew to the deck with a violent start. Each officer, according to their rigorous training, scrambled to their respective stations.

"Report!" ordered Janeway. It took a moment for each to return to their stations, but the entire crew was 'on' 100 and prepared to deal with the emergency. Each of them in turn enumerated multiple hull fractures, mass system failures, and imminent warp core overload.

"Torres to bridge."

"Go ahead."

"I'm attempting to…shut…down…." Communication failures. Torres could not be heard.

Janeway knew what was required in the situation. Better safe than sorry.

"Eject the core! Repeat. Eject the core!" she commanded. "Please acknowledge!"

No answer.

"Chakotay, get to engineering. Get that core off the ship immediately," she ordered. He was already in motion when she said his name. He was at the lift, which stubbornly refused to budge.

"Captain!" he shouted over the sputtering of spontaneous fires from several stations.

"Can we effect site to site…

"I'm on it," replied Ensign Kim. "Negative, Captain. All transporters are off-line."

"Is anything functioning?" she demanded, knowing the answer, as shouted reports were systematically given.

"WA..WA..WARNING: Life…sup..port is off… line," stuttered the failing computer.

"All emergency back-up systems are off line," shouted Harry Kim, who slammed his hands on his station in frustration.

"Gel-pack failure imminent," reported Tuvok.

The main view screen, which was also working with reliable undependability, flickered on and off, revealing that the hapless ship was careening into a planet.

"Where did that planet come from? Mr. Paris, get us out of here!" Janeway barked.

"Navigation is dead!" shouted Tom, angry to loss of control of everything he once commanded so adroitly. "Crash landing procedure! I hope everyone's got clean underwear!"

The bridge dissolved around Janeway and Chakotay who found themselves in the middle of Engineering. Had Harry performed a site-to-site transport?

"Good work, Mr. Kim!" Janeway complimented, expecting that he would not have heard her.

The command duo focused on saving the ship instead of their sudden change of location. B'Elanna was desperately trying to settle the warp core, but she was reluctantly admitting defeat, and was poised to 'hit the button' to send the failing power source into the void.

"B'Elanna! Get out of here!" Janeway shouted. The engineer tried a few more adjustments and then submitted to Janeway's orders.

Janeway entered the final codes and gave the command to eject the core. No response. It was only a matter of seconds before the ship and all of its crew would be nothing more than a momentary spark in the vastness of space.

Chakotay stood next to Janeway. He wanted to be near her for his final moment, despite the fact that she did not return his devotion. He thought it would be a fitting end, for him at least, even if she did not seem to notice his proximity.

The computer sputtered with its last virtual gasp. "WARNING….Warp core breach in three, two, wah…wah…one."

A "ding" of a bell sounded from the warp core and….Nothing. Nothing happened. The two officers were dumbfounded.

Reports sounded in rapid-fire succession of all that was _right_ with the ship came in from all stations. They were no longer near a planet. B'Elanna returned to engineering looking disheveled and tousled as if she had been sampling Neelix's latest culinary concoction. Several other crewmembers wandered back in and resumed their posts.

"What just happened?" she managed, the shock of the narrow escape setting in, her adrenaline settling a bit.

"That's what we're trying to figure out! I don't know. I've never seen anything like…"

A familiar figure emerged from the center of the Warp Core. "Hi honey! I'm home!"

"Q!" the three officers said in unison.

"What do you think you're playing at?" Chakotay demanded.

"Commander, please." She stopped Chakotay, gently putting her hand to his broad chest, as she often did. Every time she touched him with her 'friend touch' as he called it, he felt as if it was sustenance. A meager meal fed through a slot in an iron clad prison door.

It was all he could to keep his professionalism at these moments, but then, he had had a lot of practice. She often made physical contact with him at their many meetings and dinners. She would touch his neck, his chest, his arm. She meant it as friendly reassurance. It did not mean the same thing to him as it did to her. She had no idea what she was doing to him, inside, keeping him at bay. His Starfleet training served him well. He maintained composure, even as it was killing him inside.

"Oh, yes, don't let him talk to the Big Bad Q!" Q scoffed. "I can see nothing has changed around here. Nothing at all. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

"So, Maquis Mauler," Q started on Chakotay, "you once had Holo-Wanted Posters in 387 different languages, dialects, and sub-tongues. Now you worry about supervising errant children?"

"What?" asked the befuddled First Officer.

"There were that many notices?" B'Elanna asked, her eyebrows up which furrower her forehead even more than normal.

"Don't worry, my KSP—that's Klingon Starfleet Princess—you had dishonorable mention on all of them. But, tell me the truth!" He smarmed to the beautiful engineer: "Didn't you like him better when he was a bad boy?"

Chakotay shifted with embarrassment. He had closed that chapter of his life's book. Why was Q taking a sudden interest?

"You were much more fun, Chak, when you were defying Starfleet, sabotaging Cardassian outposts and rescuing torture victims!" He stepped close to Chakotay, speaking with conspiratorial tones. "You even broke a few hearts back in the day." Q backed off and said flippantly, "Oh well. Kathy has that effect on men!"

Chakotay blanched. It did not help that B'Elanna was stifling a giggle and hiding her grin with her hand. She knew Chakotay very well back then and Q was right! Chakotay was a different man now that he had shrouded himself in Starfleet regulations and protocols.

"Belay that, Lieutenant," Chakotay ordered, but his stern reaction only made B'Elanna more giddy. Their recent brush with death was having a residual effect.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay." She tried but failed to squelch her mood. "I'm really sorry," she said with a stifled snort.

"Q, we've got things to do. Cleaning up your mess, for one." Janeway stated, stepping between Q and her First Officer. "If you're done treating my ship like your own personal pool float and volley ball, and tormenting my crew, we'll go back to the way we were."

"Not, so fast! I've got a bone to pick with you, my dear!" he materialized a giant wishbone from a long extinct raptor. He offered her one side, which she took. "Make a wish!"

She yanked the bone and said, "Get off my ship!" The bone split with a loud crack.

"Oops! Sorry! Short side—and besides, you're not supposed to _tell_ me your wish!


	2. What's on Second

Hello folks! Thanks again for the wonderful reviews and encouragement: Cindy, addrianna818, Aleia McKingston, Doec and campbellk2, and Your Capt'n -- Please hang in there while fanfiction dot net slowly updates. I'm faster than this web!

**Q's on First—Part 2**

Janeway looked down to see that the deck of Engineering was now a golden-bricked pavement. Her ruby-encrusted shoes sparkled like two red disco balls casting dots of crimson light onto her blue gingham dress. A small, garishly clad man with a giant purple top hat approached her and pointed down the road. "Follow! Yes, Follow the Road! It will take you to the Great and Powerful Q and if anyone can get you back to the Alpha Quadrant, he can!"

"Q!!!" she shouted.

"Captain? Is that you?" a wan voice cried from under her arm. "Help me, please!"

She found she had been clutching a wicker picnic basket. She cautiously followed the voice and peaked under the lid of the basket. Stuffed inside was a small, fluffy, quadrapedal version of Neelix. She quickly closed the basket.

"Captain! Please! I need to get out of here!" he whimpered. "I can't stand tight spaces!"

"Neelix?" gingerly, she set the basket down, quickly flipped the lid open and stepped back. She felt queasy.

"Ah! That's so much better!" he said as he leapt from the basket and shook his fur with great relish. He noticed the look on Janeway's pretty face, baffled and all framed with pigtails and ribbons.

"Captain! What's wrong? Have I offended you in some way? I wouldn't want to…"

"No, no, ah…Neelix? I'm …I'm just not feeling too well." She explained. It was true. Didn't Neelix notice anything had changed?

"Maybe I can whip you up a nice Blatorian stew," the Neelix-Dog offered. "It's very medicinal."

"No, I'll be fine." She said as she watched the little Neelix use his back leg to scratch behind his floppy ears.

"Excuse me," she said to the small man who now stood among a large contingent of other colorfully dressed little people. "Where are we?"

"Why, you're in the Fabulous and Wonderful Land of Q. You must go see the Wizard of Q."

"Q!!!" she shouted, feeling a vein in her forehead throb.

"Yes, that's it," said the little man brightly, "but he lives in the great Continuum City and you must go there to find him."

There was a commotion among the little people. It seemed they had an unwelcomed guest. With a large puff of toxic smelling fumes, Q appeared dressed in a black gown and pointy hat. He wielded a ragged looking broom and motioned toward the little people, who backed away.

Janeway narrowed her eyes and aligned herself for a confrontation. The little people were hiding under clumps of gaudy flowers and vines and behind candy colored huts.

"Q, this is ridiculous! Return us to our ship at once!"

"Ooo! Ooo" he said like a Halloween ghost. "I am the Wicked Witch of…."

"Stop it! Just stop it!" She was getting one doozy of a headache. Neelix-Dog was cowering behind her ankles, rubbing his jowl for comfort against her little blue socks.

"What! Don't you want to play this game? You did when you were a girl!"

"If this is some crazy attempt to get me in touch with my inner child…."

"Wait for it! Now, wait for it!" He said, getting into character, "I just wanted to say, 'I'll get you, my pretty! You and your little…uh..yee-ick!'" he wrinkled his nose at his Neelix creation, "Well, you know the rest. Now get going! I am not sending you home if you don't play!"

"What's that supposed to mean?" she seethed. "You're sending me back to my ship NOW!"

"Don't you take that tone with me you…you…you whipper snapper!" he said, shaking his long green finger at her. "You landed your Starship on my sister…"

Q revealed a house-size Voyager right behind him. Indeed, it seemed to have crash-landed. Janeway was appalled and approached the ship, with Neelix-Dog following closely.

"As you can see, I had to adjust it for scale, but they're all in there."

"What?" she asked in disbelief as if someone had just dropped a Starship on her.

"Here's the really good part! Unless you get your skinny carcass down that Golden Highway, this is where they will stay, **forever**." As he said that word, the sky darkened and a thunder crack whipped the air.

As quickly as the storm had begun, the sky returned to a lovely shade of pure blue. "Come to think of it, Voyager looks great right there," he chirped. "I think there should be a few more flowers, here and there." Several gigantic blooms opened around the ship as he spoke.

Janeway carefully approached the vessel. She could see several panicked members of her crew through the diminished portals. "Q, this time you have gone too far!"

"Really? The Continuum thinks I haven't gone _far enough_, perhaps as far as another Universe would suit those old fuddy duddies…"

"I would have to agree with them," she stated.

"So, what d'ya say, Kate? After all, the only thing you can do now is to play along."

"Why? Why have you done this?"

"Simple. Simple enough, even for you: I was bored."

"If I play along," she said evenly, "you will restore my ship and my people?"

"Yes!" he said with exasperation. "My, you are slow! I told you that!"

"Will you give me your word?" She thought of the files she had studied on Q. Had he ever broken a promise? If she could get him to agree, she might have a chance.

Q morphed himself into the most ungainly Boy Scout in the Universe. "Captain Kathryn Janeway of the USS Voyager, I, Q, promise on my honor as a Q, that you and your ship and crew will all be restored to normal if only you play this little game with me."

Janeway was seething like Torres in the early days. She took a few deep breathes, turned on her ruby heels, and stalked off down the blasted yellow brick road. She could not deal with Q from anger, and she wanted to buy herself some time and settle down before she proceeded. "Who knows?" she thought. "Maybe if I play this thing out, he'll keep his word and return us to Voyager."

Therefore, Captain Kathryn Janeway, accomplished commander of the USS Voyager, leader of her crew, role model, serious scientist, and generally great woman, stomped down the Yellow Brick Road clad in a blue gingham dress with a small silly dog scampering happily at her heels. She was somewhere beyond angry.

"The Wizard of Oz" had been one of her favorite holonovel when she was a girl—Q obviously knew that— but her girlhood seemed like it was such a long time ago. As a young child, she was a work-a-holic student, but even she had to take some time from studies to be a girl.

She passed the cornfield and noticed the requisite Scarecrow. Several voracious crows were pulling pieces of straw from his neck and apparently annoying him.

"Get out of here, you vultures!" he said, haplessly waving them off. "I'll make crow fricassee out of you!"

"Looks like you've found your calling," she commented.

"I thought you'd never get here!" he complained.

"Are you going to do a song and dance, Q?"

"You are such a spoil-sport! Sheesh, if looks could kill."

Janeway was giving him a scalding look. He jumped down from his support.

"Let's get on with it Q. I want to get my ship back."

"Fine!" he sighed.

"However," she stopped and pointed at his straw stuff chest with two fingers, "'If I Only Had a Brain' really does apply to you."

"All right! No need to get nasty!" he said, disappointed and then brightened. "Let'skip!"

"No," she said a she swept off.

"Oh, come on!" he taunted, a few pieces of straw peeling off as he pleaded. "Please. Please. Pretty please?"

"Stop it!" she commanded

Janeway continued down the burnished gold trail exchanging barbs with Q, who was hopping and skipping like a goofy marionette. She was familiar with this part of the journey but something was missing. Q noticed her consternation and enjoyed her quizzical expression.

"Oh, Tin Man," Q called in a sing-song voice. "Come out and play-ay."

From behind a large gnarly tree trunk, a faint but familiar voice refused. "I'm not coming out," he burst. "I'm never coming out!"

"Commander, come here please," Janeway insisted. The sooner we get this over, the better."

"No!" was his simple, muffled reply.

Janeway rounded the tree and confronted her modified First Officer. What she saw there made her chuckle despite herself. Q had morphed Chakotay into the Tin Man, his brown skin turned to bright silver. The reflections on his skin accentuated his perfect features.

Raised silver wire outlines replaced his tattoo and looked arc welded to his forehead. The barrel chest of the Tin Man was a perfect match for Chakotay's normal stocky build. The worst of it was that no part of the costume could be removed. He was now this strange silver being. When he saw Janeway, he wanted to bury himself under a rock.

"Captain, please!" he said woefully and then eyed her from pigtails to ruby slippers. Without intending, he also burst out with laughter, turning the tables on Janeway's derision.

"All right, Commander, that's enough!" she ordered.

"I'm sorry, Captain" he laughed "but you look as ridiculous as I feel." he told her, managing to stifle his own laughter. "Captain, what is this place?"

"Come on," she grabbed his arm. "I'll explain along the way. Where is Neelix?"

"Neelix is here too?"

The little Neelix-Dog zoomed in and around the pair. "I'm here Captain! Oh, hello Mr. Chakotay! My, you look spiffy in silver."

"Captain!" Chakotay exclaimed, astonished by the new, unimproved Neelix.

"Are you feeling all right Mr. Chakotay?" asked Neelix-Dog, playfully jumping up and down on him. "The color seems to have left you face! I've got an old Talaxian remedy…"

"Thank you Neelix," Janeway assuaged him. "Maybe later," He seemed content with her answer and tore off sniffing everything he could.

"He doesn't seem to notice a difference," she told Chakotay quietly. "I don't want to upset him."

"Him? What about me?" Chakotay asked. "That's just disturb…"

Chakotay rounded the tree and came face to face with Q's Scarecrow, who mugged at the startled Commander. "You! What have you done to us?" shouted Chakotay.

"Oh, relax Chakotay! Nothing weirder here than in any of your so-called 'Spirit Walks'". What was that all about the other night anyway?"

"What? Captain?" his look prompted Janeway. "What's going on? Why are we here?"

"Forgive me Chakotay," she said, "but, my people have a story about…Oh, it's complicated."

"Is this craziness supposed to be an Earth legend?" he asked. "I thought Q made it up."

"He's not that original!" she said loudly, and watched Q feign a pout as he shooed away another persistent crow. "Besides, this whole story was a big part of my childhood. Q likes to play with our emotions."

Janeway began explaining the holonovel, as concisely as she could. Chakotay was puzzled. It did not remind him of any Indian legends, but the morals seemed familiar enough. She told him about Voyager's predicament. They had to go along with this silly scenario if they hoped to get back to some semblance of sanity.

"Let's see if I have this. We have to go see this great Q, who is supposed to be Q. He will tell us we have to get a broom from a Wicked Witch, who is Q. And, Q is this character who is going with us as this Scarecrow." Chakotay scratched his funnel.

"Is that it, Q?" she asked wryly.

"If I Only a Brain!" he sang and then pounded a quick percussion on Chakotay's hollow chest.

"Ah!" she groaned.

"Cut that out!" insisted Chakotay.

As they walked along, Chakotay found his joints begin to tighten with each step. Movement became more and more difficult. His expression changed to uncertainty and then froze in fear. He wanted to ask what was happening, but his lips would not cooperate.

Janeway grabbed the oil-can he was carrying and began dropping the liquid into all his joints. Slowly his limbs began to cooperate. After she had oiled his jaw, he was able to ask her what happened. "Is this part of it?" he asked with trepidation.

"Just stay away from moisture, Commander."

"Thanks for the advice."

TBC….

I posted this chapter with some trepidation. It seems my muse is about as fickle (and frankly INSANE) as Q. I never know where these stories are really going! I had no idea I was going to write this, and I almost put it aside and hung my head in shame. It's pretty bad, but I just can't resist!

I consider this a parody and VERY silly to boot, in case you were wondering. I do have some interesting ideas for the future of this story, so I hope you'll stay with me through this portion my dismal period. At least I'm having some fun with the characters, so maybe you won't give up on me entirely! I hope you'll take it for what it is. Berman's people would NEVER do this to the characters, so I have that much to be proud of. Enjoy!


	3. I Don't Know

Thanks again to my readers/reviewers. You really shouldn't encourage this behavior, you know! Yes, I am COMPLETELY Barking Mad! Have fun!

But, if it's fluffy and silly you want, you've come to the right place.

**Q's on First—Part 3**

"**I Don't Know"**

Next, was the requisite stroll through a dark, dense forest.

"Lions and Tigers and Q's, Oh my!" Q prompted, no longer getting a reaction from the duo.

A deep-throated guttural growl emanated from the spooky wood. Neelix's hair stood on end. Several bushes rustled, a twig cracked and then a streak of golden fur and sharp teeth erupted from a dense stand of undergrowth and knocked the "Scarecrow" to the ground.

"You! You've done this to me! I vow to make you suffer in ways you cannot imagine!" growled B'Elanna, who was now covered with a mass of thick fur. She snarled viciously revealing an impressive set of jagged teeth. Her canine teeth had doubled from their normal size.

Q was positively in a heaven of unearthly delights, despite being lodged under a crazed animal. "You know, you are beautiful when you're ferocious and leonine!" His comment acted like gasoline on a forest fire. B'Elanna's anger exploded again.

Janeway and Chakotay were just about able to pull the raging Klingon lioness from the horizontal Q, more for her own sake than for his. She writhed like a dozen boa constrictors, all muscle and fury.

"Captain!" she bellowed. "I am going to rip him limb from limb!"

"You'll have to get in line!" she said as she struggled to hold her Engineer's arm.

"B'Elanna, Stop! Stop it!" Chakotay shouted over her roars, his metal arm entwined with hers. She began to settle and then gawked at Janeway and Chakotay. Realization tempered her temper.

"I…Oh, I see," she said as she finally studied what Q had done to her crewmates. Her mood swung from anger to amusement. "Chakotay, look at you!" she scoffed. "You would have scared the Cardassians with that get up! Captain, ah, cute!" she cleared her throat and crossed her arms. "Really kinda cute! Bwah ha!"

Janeway's glare or Chakotay's discomfort did not deter her. It took a resounding, "That's enough, B'Elanna," order from Janeway before she settled down.

"Captain, what's going on? Why are we like this? And, what's he doing here?" she said, aiming her disdain at Q while he swatted again at some pestering crows.

"Come on. I'll explain as we go."

Janeway apprised B'Elanna of the situation. B'Elanna kept her head until Janeway explained who her character was.

"Cowardly?" she shouted. "Q made me COWARDLY?" She gave the Q-Scarecrow a contemptuous glare and began to lunge for his throat again. Chakotay was able to settle her down; he had had the most practice with B'Elanna's roller coaster of emotions. Neelix yipped and backed off. He was frightened that B'Elanna's wrath would spill over to his fragile frame.

"That's not the worst of it, B'Elanna." Janeway told B'Elanna.

"Oh yeah? What could be worse than this?" she shot.

"I haven't had a cup of coffee since breakfast!" Janeway said, plaintively.

B'Elanna moaned. This could not be good.

Neelix had been cowering under some brush, shaking uncontrollably.

"Neelix! Come here!" Janeway commanded.

"Are you sure it's OK Captain? I mean, B'Elanna has really big teeth!"

B'Elanna's eyes widened, but she had her limit of surprises for the day.

"I guess it could be worse," she said, considering that Neelix had it worse than she did.

Janeway played Tour Guide to her three companions—not that Neelix was paying attention. She explained what happens at each landmark. Warnings of flying monkeys and crazed vegetation only served to confuse Chakotay and B'Elanna. Neelix scampered in and out among their legs as they trudged down the road. He took delight at nosing everything he could and commenting on the myriad of culinary possibilities presented in the Marvelous Land of Q.

"This is the orchard of angry apple trees," she told them wryly when they came to the stand of sleeping foliage. "Do **not** pick the apples!" she insisted. Neelix, enchanted by smells in the undergrowth took a small fallen apple in his tiny teeth before Janeway could stop him. A few of the trees started to stir.

"What, these old, sweet hearts?" Q interjected, prancing into the midst of the orchard. "Why, these nice trees wouldn't mind if I…" Q plucked an apple from a particularly truculent tree.

"Q! No! Stop!" Janeway commanded, but Q ignored her and took a large, messy chomp from the juicy fruit.

"That's just scrummy!" Q exclaimed, feeding the fire he knew he had started.

The apple that Q had plucked hung from a particularly disagreeable old tree with an excellent throwing limb. It ain't easy being tree!

When an apple missile smacked her head, B'Elanna's temper flared again. "Yee-ow!" she whooped, a combination battle cry and roar. In an instant, she ignited a rousing food fight. Neelix dodged a barrage of thrown apples and found a shelter behind a boulder. His apple prize was still locked in his teeth. Janeway got more than a few lobs in against the trees. The flying apples pounded clunking percussion against Chakotay's hollow tin body causing several unsightly dents in his sides. He was able to retaliate with a few uncomfortable hits to the trees.

"Let's get out of here!" Janeway ordered, pulling the crazed Klingon-Lion away from the fray. "Neelix…uh…heel!" It worked.

"Coming Captain!" he told her brightly, as the group ran down the road.

For his part, Scarecrow-Q enjoyed every minute of it. He was euphoric from the hi-jinks he had arranged and was jumping up and down like a ten year old on Christmas morning.

Janeway's reprimand did nothing to deter his mood. In fact, the more consternation he caused the hapless Voyager crew, the more delirious he became.

Q was showing some signs of distress. The crows were not supposed to continue to plague the Scarecrow but they kept cropping up, pulling bits of straw from his clothing. They appeared to be the one thing over which he had no control.

"Captain, my people believe that crows are very powerful," Chakotay related. "I don't know if it means anything, but Q does seem to be the worse for wear against them."

"Noted, Commander," she acknowledged.

After tormenting Q, the murder of crows landed right in the path of Janeway and her companions.

One waddled to the front of the flock and spoke, "Captain Janeway, please come with us."

At that request, Janeway found herself back in her Starfleet uniform. She was standing in the midst a well-appointed English sitting room. Chakotay, B'Elanna, and Neelix were back to normal, but were near the back of the room and appeared to be frozen in stasis.

A heavy-set, elderly woman stood up from her cozy chair and adjusted her black, crocheted shawl. "Welcome Captain! Please sit and join us for tea."

"What have you done to my crew?" Janeway demanded.

"Don't worry. They are perfectly safe and will not be harmed. We're here to help you."

The old woman's companion was an aged man who sipped tea from a porcelain cup. He was dipping teacakes into the brew.

"You are all amongst friends. It seems we have a matter to discuss."

The woman's tone was reassuring. Janeway sensed that this being was not lying. Janeway sat in a chair where the woman had motioned and prepared herself for a First Contact Situation.

"I know you don't indulge in tea so I've prepared some coffee just for you. Please don't mind if I do. Tea is perhaps the finest substance in this or any universe."

"I am Captain Kathr…"

"Oh, my dear, I know who you are, which means I do have you at a disadvantage. I have no name that would describe me, but you can call me Auntie Margaret, if it pleases you."

"Very well," Janeway said. "If you are a friend, then please release my people."

"In short time. My! You are thin! We'll have to put some meat on those bones.

"I've summoned you here for a very particular reason. Now all this talk of tea and coffee has distracted me. Yes, it seems we have a mutual annoyance."

"I'm listening."

"Yes. He calls himself 'Q" and he is, well, shall we say, full of more hot air than anything. I'd say something else, but it wouldn't be polite among ladies," she grinned.

"We have little recourse against an 'omnipotent' being," Janeway told her, "and he has certainly been an 'annoyance' to us. You could call him that."

"Omnipotent?" she chuckled, her body giggling up and down like Santa Claus. "Is that what he told you? Is that what those fools in the Continuum have been putting in their marketing material? Omnipotent! Hardly! Mr. Stringer," she addressed her companion, who seemed to be off in a daydream. "Q told them he's omnipotent!"

The elder Mr. Stringer returned from his reverie and chuckled, nearly spilling his cup and dropping his teacake.

"Q is an idiot!" the little man said with a raspy voice. "An idiot and a fool! It's about time he got his just desserts! I did enjoy tormenting him as, what did you call that beast? A crow?"

"Well, ma'am…"

"Auntie for short…"

"Auntie," she conceded. "He does seem to be very powerful from our stand point."

"Not at all! Just a bunch of silly parlour tricks. But of course, it is a matter of point of view. From where I sit, he's about as omnipotent as a duck billed platypus."

Janeway stopped herself from laughing, eyeing her hapless crew.

"He's no more omnipotent that you are," Auntie went on, handing Janeway a cup of coffee, "No more than you are, if you will forgive me."

"Of course." Janeway said graciously, holding her cup, but not drinking. One simply did not imbibe or ingest anything in First Contact situation.

"Oh, it's perfectly safe, m'dear. I promise you. I wish you no harm and I regret even having to bring you here, but I had an inspiration. I thought we could be of mutual benefit to one another."

"How so, ah, Auntie?" This 'lady', this 'being', charmed Janeway but she still erred on the side of caution.

"Well, I have long thought of just what to do to Q to put him in his place. I've been searching, literally for eons for a way to get his goat!" she chucked again. "Have a scone, my dear. I can't resist my own scones!"

"Now, how would you like to help us, let's say, get even? Mmm?"

Janeway kept a wary eye on her statue-like crewmembers, but Auntie's request was intriguing nevertheless.


	4. Why

**Q's On First – Part 4  
Why**

As the crow spoke, the yellow brick road dissolved from his view and Chakotay stood in the middle of an Indian sweat lodge. A group of Indian men sat in a semi-circle around a small fire, passing a decorated pipe.

"Welcome Chakotay," said a wizened man who was obviously the medicine man and master of ceremonies. "Please join us," he waved his arm toward the group.

Chakotay was relieved to find that he had physically returned to normal. He ran his hand over his clothing to double check. He was himself, no longer a preposterous character in a game only Q understood. He was dressed comfortably in the Indian garb he wore before his Starfleet Academy days. Strong familiar scents of burnt herbs, tobacco and wood wafted through the torpid air and mentally returned Chakotay to his youth.

"Where am I? Who are you?" Somehow, Chakotay was already reassured, but he warned himself not to get too comfortable. This could be another Q trick?

"You are among friends, Chakotay. We are not of the Q."

"Excuse me, sir, but do you know where my people are? Captain Janeway, Neelix, and B'Elanna," Chakotay asked respectfully. Old habits die hard, even for a man dubbed a "Contrary" since birth.

"They are well, my son," the Chief reassured him. "We mean you no harm. We want to talk to you about the Trickster you know as Q."

"The Trickster?" Chakotay said with a shock of recognition.

"We looked down from the sky and found that he was tormenting you and your friends. He is known throughout the history of your Federation of Planets in many forms and by many names. He has plagued humans for millennia."

"Yes, he does that. We have little recourse against him. He has our ship hostage."

"This is an unacceptable situation Chakotay, and one we would like to remedy with ancient medicine."

"Forgive me, elder, but I am…"

The Chief stopped Chakotay with a raised hand. "You were about to say that you no longer follow the ancient ways. You are a space traveler and a scientist, a modern man who embraces reason over belief. You think all that your fathers have told you is false. You have adapted the customs of your new Tribe, the Federation."

"I…" Chakotay began. He felt defensive. "I have not abandoned all. I took the mark of my tribe and I walk among the Spirits with my guide. And, I recognize the name of the Trickster."

"Yes, Chakotay, that we know, but forgive us. It is now we who have played a trick on you, but not to harm you. We have taken these forms to talk to you. "

"I don't understand."

"I must reveal that we are not your ancestors, nor are we those whom you name the 'Sky Spirits.' What is important is that your heart," he rose and put a hand to Chakotay's broad chest, "your heart beats true to the old ways, whether you accept it or not."

Chakotay was puzzled but realized something about these strangers in Indian form. "You were the crows. You have power over Q." he smiled and shook his head.

"Yes, and these bodies, this place," the old man waved his arm around to his companions, "are merely shadows. If you were to meet our true forms and not these projections, you would perish as if by fire."

"Since you have gone through all this trouble, perhaps it is time for some straight talk." Chakotay told him. "I can do without all this Indian stuff."

The elder smiled at Chakotay's fearless candor.

"You are right, Chakotay," the old Indian grinned and chuckled a bit. "But, it is worth it to see the look on your face." He patted Chakotay's cheek and the others chuckled softly.

"I mean no disrespect," Chakotay said, "but I've had enough jokes for one day."

"Very well. It is time we discussed Q."

"You called him the 'Trickster'." Chakotay said. "If I understand it correctly that means he isn't what he appears to be."

"Yes, he full of _tricks_, so simple a child could understand. To be frank," the medicine man came conspiratorially close to Chakotay "how would you like to settle the score?"

"How?"

"I thought you didn't like this Indian stuff?" the old man chuckled again while Chakotay grimaced. "I'm sorry. I could not resist!"

"Old one, get to the point!" spoke a young warrior in the group. "Chakotay, he wants you to trust us. We can help you with Q and it will be of mutual benefit."

"What did you have in mind?" Chakotay asked warily.


	5. Because

**Q's On First – Part 5  
**Because

B'Elanna heard a crow speak (!) and then the crash of a Bat'leth onto one which she held in a defensive position. Instinctively she returned the blow to her opponent, a swarthy Klingon male, with several large scars across his craggy features. He was an elder with flowing white hair, but his strength was tempered with age, not diminished. A worthy opponent.

She was dressed in full Klingon battle gear. She had never owned or wanted an outfit like this in her life, but here she was behaving like a full Klingon. After her experience with Q, she had enough pent up anger for ten full Klingons. It sure felt good to thwack someone. She could get used to this.

B'Elanna shrieked with each strike to the old man. Their movements converged, weapons colliding with resounding clanks. The elder Klingon finally thrust her back, knocking her to her back, his weapon swooshed to her throat. He chuckled and rose, allowing the Engineer to her feet but she was ready for another bout.

"You are a worthy opponent—for a human," the elder spat his words at her.

"I am no mere hu-man!" B'Elanna shot back and charged after the insulter. The elder easily dodged her assault and held her in a lock.

"Cease woman! We can play another day. For now, we have another opponent who must be defeated. He has insulted our honor and for that, he must be punished."

"What are you jabbering about, old one! Has age rotted your brain or have you always been a fool?"

A group of Klingons, male and female, sat around a massive, roughly hewn table, swilling blood wine and laughing at the proceedings with approval. Flames danced like demons from torches standing about the room.

"Cease your caterwauling, child! I am talking about that pitiful petaQ who calls himself 'Q'. His is a pox upon all peoples!"

"What about him? Who are you? You aren't real Klingons! By what right do you have to speak of honor?"

"You must avenge yourself and your comrades against his insults! Honor must be served!"

"Agreed! He must be made to suffer," she yelped, "but how can I defeat a wind that blows beyond the strength in my arms? What am I babbling about?"

A rolling laughter gusted over the group.

"We can help you, if you will allow it," the elder offered.

"Look, I've had enough trick or treat for one day," she said, fury rising, "and get this loud and clear: I…HATE…this…Klingon…crap!"she shouted haltingly.

The elder laughed deeply from his belly. "You have worked hard to repress your anger, but sometimes B'Elanna, anger can be your friend. Sometimes it is right to be angry."

"What's it to you? Who are you? Why this deception?" she spat.

"We are your friends," he said, stepping to her. "Very powerful friends. Do you wish to, let us say, allow Q to feel your anger?"

"What? You can do that?" she asked, furrowing her brow.

"Yes, we can." He smiled.

B'Elanna 'pff'ed" with amusement. "My ancestors—my hu-man ancestors used to say, 'If you got the money honey, I got the time!'"

"To battle!" he cried, and the Klingons cheered and B'Elanna responded in kind, Bat'leth held high.

B'Elanna, Chakotay, Neelix and Janeway once again found themselves on the road to Oz, but amid a murder of crows, who were scattered around the gates of Oz, tormenting a beleaguered Scarecrow. They rose and flew at him, taking turns tormenting him and never allowing him recourse.

"What was that all about?" asked Chakotay, not expecting a crow to answer him.

"Your ship is now safe. Bear with me," said the lead crow. "I just wanted to have some fun! Are you game?"

Before the startled group could respond, Q stomped over to them like a petulant child, still waving the crows away unsuccessfully.

"Where have you all been?" he pouted. "I was getting bored." He looked deflated. The crows had been doing their work. He shook a few more from his shoulders and hat. "Get out of here, you vermin!"

Janeway stepped up to Q, seeing a swarm gathering in the sky. "We were visiting some old friends," she said levelly, one side of her mouth in a grin.

"Well, cut it out! I want you here!" he demanded, almost stamping his foot.

"Captain!" Chakotay said, seeing the creatures that were approaching them.

"Not to worry, Commander. I think I know what's going to happen next," she said quietly to her crew.

Q turned and looked up and saw the flying monkeys heading toward them. He smiled smugly, "Now things are going to get interesting."

"You can say that again!" B'Elanna said.

Q tried to control the movements of the monkeys, but was puzzled to find that he could not. He tried again and then again. Slowly it dawned on him that he was no longer in charge. He turned to his cadre of Oz characters and watched with uncertainty as the quartet of once helpless mortals morphed back to normal, complete with Starfleet uniforms.

Neelix was simply confused. He did not feel any different and his memory was devoid of his entire Oz experience.

"Captain?" he asked, "What's going on? Where are…"

Janeway stopped his questioning with her hand. "We'll explain, Neelix—later.

"Something wrong, Q?" Chakotay asked with an innocent air.

"Call them off!" Q cried.

"Sorry Q. We were getting bored." Janeway told him.

"Captain!" Q appealed, "Kathy!" he said ingratiatingly. "You can't allow this to happen. I'm a life form! Chakotay! You aren't going to let them…"

"Q," inquired B'Elanna "Do you know how to run?"

With a thump, one of the monkeys flew at Q and knocked him to Janeway's feet. He wrapped himself around her legs and whimpered dolefully. B'Elanna and Chakotay dragged him away, and he begged as they pulled him off.

The crow had morphed into a person, and each crewmember saw an elder that they had seen in their own individual realities.

"You!" Q shouted. "You're doing this!"

"You know this being, Q?" Janeway asked. Q only sobbed a pitiful, doleful sound.

"He knows me," supplied Auntie Margaret. "We go way back, don't we Q?"

Janeway bent a knee and spoke to the wreckage that was once the powerful Q.

"What's wrong, Q?" she asked. "Don't you enjoy being on the receiving end?"

"No!" he slobbered, his arms wrapped around his chest. "Kathy!" he tried. "I was only having some fun! I wasn't going to hurt anyone. Really!"

Janeway turned to Auntie Margaret. "Auntie, we really don't want to harm him. We just want to…"

"Teach him a lesson."

Janeway's features softened, her eyebrows raised in the middle of her forehead. "I think we already have."

Auntie Margaret chuckled and so did the elder Indian in Chakotay's eyes and so did the ancient Klingon in B'Elanna's eyes.

The quartet watched the shuttering heap that Q had become, sobbing and slobbering, cowed and frightened like an orphan puppy in a snowstorm.

"We only want to return to Voyager—as ourselves." Chakotay said. "We don't want to hurt anyone or take revenge on anyone, not even Q."

B'Elanna looked at Q with a combination of pity and disgust. "I may not be full Klingon, but even I can see the dishonor in taking revenge on him. It just isn't worth it.

"What do you say, Q? If I return your powers will you promise not to trouble these mortals?"

"Yah..yes! I promise! I promise. I will never bother them again."

"Somehow I doubt his voracity, children, but it will be as you wish."

Within seconds, they stood on the bridge without so much as fleck of silver paint. They looked around expecting to see the sights of the last few…hours? Days? They had no sense of time, nor did anyone in the crew react to their sudden re-appearance.

"Well," Janeway began, "stations, please."

Each of them made a break for normalcy. It felt good to be home.

Later that evening Janeway and Chakotay sat over dinner in her quarters. They were going over reports and duty assignments. Neither one wanted to talk about their recent experience. They had each logged the entire thing and now they simply wanted to relegate the whole thing to the past and get on with a Q free existence.

Reluctantly Chakotay breached the subject. "Do you think we've seen the last of him?"

Janeway nearly choked on her coffee. She cleared her throat and sighed. "Not if I know Q. He'll find a way, even with this being that has power over him."

Chakotay looked off into the star field outside Janeway's window and then ran his hand over his face. Maybe it was the stress of day, but he thought he saw something familiar for a split second. "I must have, what was it? Oz? on the brain."

"What do you mean?" she asked but he merely shook the image out of his head.

_fin_

Folks, I think I'm "V'gered" out. If you feel like teaching Q a lesson, feel free. :) Have fun.---AnitaLife


	6. Certainly

Return to Oz

The command duo stared into at the black universe in disbelief. A nebula-like cloud started to bubble and a message began to form in the haze—"_Surrender Janeway!_"

"Now, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted?" Q's voice came from a black-clad broomstick rider who scarred the star field.

A moment before, Janeway and Chakotay were poring over reports and discussing ship's business. Suddenly they were back in Oz thrust into their alter egos. B'Elanna was seething again as the Lion. Tuvok had joined them, now as the Scarecrow. Neelix chirped his tiny dog like bark.

"Oh no, not again!" Janeway groaned. Her blue gingham dress accenting her eyes.

With a puff of black smoke, Q zapped himself on the cobbled golden brick way.

"Same as before," Q-Witch informed them. "He's the Tin Man, she's the Lion, and he's—um—still annoying," he said, looking at the frenetic Neelix-Dog who was chasing his own tail.

"You didn't learn anything from that experience, did you?" leonine B'Elanna shot with wrath.

Q beamed a dopey grin from his green face and said with satisfaction, "Nope! I'm still incorrigible."

"Where are the aliens?" Chakotay asked, glancing at Tuvok who was almost visibly annoyed.

"Where's Voyager?" Janeway demanded. "Where's my ship?"

"Here's someone who can tell you now!" Q exclaimed in a singsong voice, shaking his broom.

Tom Paris was galloping down the road toward them. He had morphed into an Emerald City guard, complete with a tall fur hat.

"Captain!" he cried, "Wha…What's going on? Are we back in Oz?" He finally reached them and panted heavily.

"It appears so, Mr. Paris. Chakotay…"

"Um, Battle Stations?" he asked tentatively, not knowing the Starfleet procedure for handling this occurrence.

"That will not be necessary. Report, Mr. Paris."

"The ship…is…back with the little people. The crew is still conscious, but shrunk to scale. The Munchkins are planting flowers all over it and having a picnic under the saucer section."

"She makes a lovely planter," Q informed them.

"What are you wearing?" Tom had the nerve to ask.

"Belay that, Mr. Paris!" Chakotay attempted, but Tom was beginning to lose control and laugh at the senior staff.

"Tom Paris, if you say a word, just one word, I am going to…" B'Elanna threatened, echoing the feelings of everyone except Q.

"I think the Vulcan makes for a good Scarecrow," Q interjected another unwelcome statement.

"Indeed, sir! That is not logical. If I am identifying this fable correctly, the Scarecrow sought a brain, whereas, Vulcans, including myself are renown for our intellectual achievements."

"But not for their humility," Q stated dryly.

"It is also illogical that Mr. Chakotay would be the one seeking a heart. Your choices are irrational at best."

Q glared at Tuvok throughout his speech.

"As a Klingon and as a Starfleet Officer," Tuvok continued, "Lieutenant Torres is known for her courage and therefore is a poor choice as the Cowardly Lion."

"That's what I said!" B'Elanna agreed.

"You really are a spoilsport, Mr. Tuvok. I don't know why I've brought you here."

"I think we can safely assume that Q is neither logical or rational. In any case, such a debate is not helpful at this time, Mr. Tuvok," Janeway stated.

"Where are the crows?" B'Elanna asked, hoping their benefactors would return.

"My friends, it appears we now have to continue this farcical scenario," Janeway continued. "Q gave us his word; if we play along, he will restore us to where we belong."

"That's right!"

"Auntie?" Janeway appealed, exasperated. "Auntie, where are you?"

"Won't work. I've taken care of her, so, here goes," Q cleared his throat. "You'll never reach the Wizard! I'll see to that, my pretties!"

"Oh brother! Let's go. That way," Janeway ordered as she scooped Neelix into her arms.

"Just be happy you're not in drag. We're still missing a Glinda," Chakotay told Tom. He had learned the Oz story during a few dinners—or rather 'debriefing sessions' with Kathryn.

"I guess Tuvok's right. You of all people wouldn't be looking for a heart, eh Chakotay?" Tom smirked.

"What?"

Tom immediately regretted his words as Chakotay frowned at him.

"I just mean, you have a big heart," Tom said, his practiced con man days coming to his rescue.

Chakotay was uncertain. "Well, thanks, I think," he replied with some puzzlement as Tom retreated to B'Elanna's side.

"Good one, Tom," B'Elanna shot at Tom. "Maybe you should choose to shut up as the better part of valor."

"I don't disagree," he told her, feeling foolish. Everyone, including Tuvok, knew that Chakotay wore his heart on his sleeve for the Captain. He just did not know that everyone knew and everyone _knew_ it should stay that way. Chakotay really did make a monumental effort to hide his feelings, but his adoring glances toward the Captain, his body language, his loving eyes, his obvious admiration of the woman, always betrayed him.

How she felt was anybody's guess, but the crew generally believed that she would not allow herself to feel for the big man. B'Elanna always thought it was a sad state of affairs. Old Starfleet never had any regulations against romance.

Q had flown off. Tom had returned to watch over the ship and the rest of them kept walking toward the Emerald City.

They all blustered ahead into the Poppy Field before Janeway realized where they were. One by one, they each began to feel the need to sleep. Without Glinda, how would they revive, Janeway wondered.

tbc…


End file.
